Coming Out of the Closet On Electro Convulsive Therapy

September 21, 2022

Last night I read a Facebook post from a sweet guy I haven’t spoken to in over forty years. He was reaching out to ask for help or at least camaraderie in his battle with depression.

I thought, “Really? Carl? Him?” He always seemed so cheery and upbeat as a youngster.

But so had I until I didn’t.

Eleven years ago, depression hit me hard. I think (but I’m not sure) I made it out of bed every day. In photographs, I sometimes look happy, even normal. I had wonderful friends who visited when I could only make it to the rocking chair in my bedroom. I cried a lot! I never wanted to end it all, but I would have been happy to have slipped away as long as it wouldn’t have scarred my husband and children. It was physically painful to breathe, talk, eat, and put on clothes.

Mercifully, I don’t remember it all that clearly. I don’t know precisely why my memory fails me, but partly it’s because I still have minor memory loss from two rounds of ECT.

Just to mention Electro Convulsive Therapy to folks seems to make them cringe. Most of us dredge up memories of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and conflate ECT with a lobotomy. Neither association accurately portrays the actual procedure. I was treated at McClean’s Hospital in Metro Boston, and you can understand the procedure accurately here.

Having ECT saved me from an unknown duration of deep clinical depression. I got quick relief instead of waiting weeks through numerous trials of medications. Waking up after my first round (yes, you are completely sedated for the whole experience), I was instantly aware that I FELT BETTER. I could leave the hospital and have my remaining treatments as an outpatient.

Following ECT treatments, I continued in a behavioral therapy program as a day patient. I learned to use my intellect to examine my emotions and gain control over how much I let anxiety run the show. I met with a psychiatrist studying nutritional interventions who introduced me to mega doses of Fish Oil. My PCP suggested injections of Botox, which has been shown to relieve depression. I joined a gym and started losing the thirty pounds I had gained due to a particular medication. Even on the hard days when doing much of anything was a challenge, I got up and made the bed — a discouragement to getting back into it and a habit I continue.

In short, I was intentional in regaining my mental health. I decided not to give in to the depression. I pushed back by doing at least one thing a day that got me moving, even though it was hard sometimes. In the beginning, that was just a walk around the block, but I could build on that accomplishment so that eventually, I regained my healthy life; working, playing, and relaxing. I learned that no one could rescue me as much as they might have loved me and wanted to help. No one could get in my head. I moved toward health like a tiny boat, rowing away from a storm toward the safety of the shore. I “rowed” with as much determination as I could muster on any particular day.

I would never say how I rescued myself from depression works for everyone. But I think my advice is sound; advocate for yourself as much as possible, consider unconventional interventions, and do one small thing each day that gets you moving — even for a little while.

Mental illness is a subject that continues to remain “in the closet” for most of us. Currently, we don’t have many effective treatments for depression and other mental illnesses, including addiction. But it seems that many people struggle with these illnesses AND in isolation. The stigma of mental illness is an additional weight that no one should bear. We don’t expect people suffering from cancer or diabetes to do the same.

I told my friend not to give up and about my experience. Reaching out and connecting is a start and helps make the difficult emotions more bearable. Knowing you are not being judged and getting support from others who have made that journey makes all the difference in regaining health. Hope, compassion, and companionship are potent forces for healing.

I am now ten years in recovery. My life is rich in experience and full of pleasure. I am grateful daily for good mental health and ECT, which made all the difference.